You know that you are not made for consulting when...

Over one month into the course and the only buzz word that can give ‘Networking’ a run for its money for the ‘buzz word of the month’ title is ‘Consulting’; thanks to the ELP season. Btw... 'Election' isn't a buzz word (or is it?).

Meanwhile, the aspirants are digging deeper into the text books and course material and reference books and the internet and the library and what not! And those who know that they would never make it – like me – are writing stupid blogs even when all the three assignments for the week are in the “about to begin” stage!

The hopefuls are also seeking gyan from all channels to decide on “what they want to do in life”, which is good in my view. But for those who have still not made up their mind on whether or not to go for consulting, here is my bit of gyan...

You know that you are not made for consulting when:

1. You thought Mckinsey was just another burger chain like McDonalds

2. You believed in the idea that “grades don’t matter, learning does”

3. You got rattled by the sheer vocabulary of the questions in your weekend assignments [same pinch!]

4. You thought business travel included sight seeing

5. Finally, you thought the purpose of locating ISB at Hyderabad was to treat you to a culinary fest of biryanis and kebabs all over the city [All those who have been frequenting Shadaabs and the Paradises, beware!]

MBA Experiences of a Nerd: Part 3

Pre Script: 1) Don't ask me where is Part 2... Part 1 is here

2) We all know editing is a boring job to do..

“What is the margin?”

I saw the opportunity window.

I knew the stakes. I knew its importance.

A flash came to my mind and the word “20 Percent” echoed repeatedly in my ears. I looked around and saw 50 hands waiting to pounce on it like a tiger.

I was also ready with the artillery. I moved my hand and pointed it sky high to gain the rewards associated with it.

I knew it’s my turn now. I was prepared for it. I had to perform, as it might be the last chance.

“What are its advantages?”, he pointed at me and asked

“2” I answered immediately with full confidence.

“Sorry? Advantages?” he looked confused.

“Bastard!!! How you can change the question. It’s against rules. It’s not fair” I started murmuring in my mind.

He was still looking at my face and waiting for the answer. I panicked and looked around but couldn’t find any help. Finally, gulping all my respect, I replied sheepishly

“I wanted to answer your previous question”

“It happens”, he assured me with calm on his face “What are your views regarding its advantages and disadvantages”

I knew the answer, I even have few good examples related to it but the momentum once again overtook me and I uttered “Margin is 2”

He smiled and moved ahead with the class. I looked around and everybody was falling from his/her chair, trying very hard to control laughter. I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and hid myself there but damn even the bloody ground was made of hard cement. The guy sitting next to me sympathized

“At least you were honest man!”

I realized that I have touched a new low in my life and spoiled my reputation permanently in the eyes of Prof and class. Any how, I just gathered the left over few pieces of self-respect from ground and went into a shell.

My mind began to wonder I had almost spent 1 month in ISB and what I had done? I was just moving very fast with the flow; running furiously from SV to Atrium, Atrium to LT’s, LT’s to group meets, group meets to rec center and so on. I was just slipping in this fast paced trough of ISB.

I remembered I came to ISB with loads of confidence and determination. What happened to that?

Suddenly my mind was connecting the dots backwards and started thinking

April 2011

I was standing outside the gates of ISB on my bike and looked on the bold lettered words inscribed on the pillar “INDIAN SCHOOL OF BUSINESS”. I felt proud and realized that I am finally going to be the part of this institute. I cherished that moment and wanted to savor it for long. Anyhow, I moved my bike and entered inside the campus of ISB. The lush green scenery and a biker’s dream road were welcoming me with open arms. I took a round of the beautiful campus and finally reached my SV (Student Village). It was way better than whatever I had dreamt till now. A big tower was standing in middle with beautiful lawns and small student buildings surrounding it. As I entered, I witnessed a huge human sized chessboard, a basketball hoop, a coffee machine and a registration desk.

After registration and other formalities, I went to the Atrium where Dean of ISB was briefing the class of 2012. I was thoroughly impressed by his speech. And, the fact that I’ll get free dinner after the speech was just making it more delicious… I mean beautiful… whatever, I was very hungry that day because of the hard work and all my memories are heavily influenced by the food I ate that day. Anyhow, my love for ISB was strengthening every new second I was spending on the campus.

Finally, I head towards my comfortable room to enjoy the 5 star facilities provided in the quad. I was checking the registration documents and suddenly my eyes stopped at a welcome party invitation. I was feeling on top of the world till I reached end of the invitation. It mentioned dress code in the end. The dress code was “shorts and tie”. Now, let me tell you all “shorts” is unofficial dress code of ISB. There is already an undeclared competition going on between guys and gals of ISB who wears more “shorts” and whose “shorts’ length” is shorter and as of now guys are way ahead of girls in this competition. Its not as if I’m complaining or I’m not enjoying it but its just because of the fact that I don’t have shorts. It’s my blog and you know who will be shown in good light here. Anyhow, for those guys who don’t have shorts and don’t like to wear them, it was the testing time. I tried to ask some alum with full sincerity and stupidity

“What about those who don’t have shorts?”

“Do whatever you can do. Your legs should be visible!” Alum replied

I was confused… what they have to do with my legs. I even tried to have a re-look at them but I was still not convinced. Anyhow whatever it meant, let’s shift the focus now. I somehow went to the party folding my pants till my knees and gave the alums whatever pleasure they wanted from my naked legs :D

The orientation week started and I was all geared up. Alums put up an outstanding show in conducting an orientation week and building team spirit with in different sections of ISB through sports and other games. Well one of the prime reasons for my liking is also because of the fact that Section F won all sporting events convincingly…. <Yeah.. we have earned the right to brag about it every now and then>

Anyhow I stumbled on the word “Networking” in ISB and was really appreciating its importance till I was introduced to Speed Dating… Oops Speed Networking. When I entered the atrium, there was a big battlefield filled with all the gladiators. All gladiators had a single motive: extracting every bit of information inside you in 2-3 minutes. There were hundreds of them and I suddenly started feeling nervous. Some how I dared to enter the arena and lined up in a circular speed-dating event.

I met a guy first. He was also equally frustrated by the bastardization of networking and we cracked a good 2-3 jokes about it. Suddenly, one of the alum blew a horn and told us to move. I was thinking, what the hell? I was enjoying the company and there was some real chance of networking here but now I am forced to move ahead. May be I am slow but the truth is I take some time to form a bond or network; at least 5-10 minutes. But anyhow, we all were part of the game there and we had to follow rules. Moreover, the next in line was a girl. It answered all the questions that have been arising in my mind till now.  I moved and introduced myself to her. We started well with first 2-3 icebreakers in introduction. But then she asked me

“What are your MBA goals?”

She stumped me with this question. I had some how dodged the interviewers with this goal stuff and got admission in ISB (that too in re-attempt). Now these goals once again caught me in catch 22. Should I say as usual “who cares” and make fool of myself in front of her or should I repeat those mugged goals... I was confused. I finally decided to go ahead with the second option and gave some rosy goals to her. I was feeling good and confident about myself after that answer. But before I even finish appreciating myself, she threw a next googlie “What are your hobbies?”

I suddenly started feeling low about myself. “What kind of person I am?? I don’t even know my hobbies!!”

Before this bad feeling depress me any further, I saved myself by uttering few common mugged words of cricket, badminton, and other blah blah stuff. Alum blew a horn again and within few minutes I actually understood the power of 2-3 minute rule and even started appreciating it. There was one more girl waiting next and I was more than motivated to move ahead.

She started the conversation with all the unrelated things and my performance suddenly enhanced in the game. It was all well when she changed topic and asked me “Do you have a girl friend?” Now I was stumped once again. Now again the same catch 22 cropped up whether to look like a loser or a despo. I choose the middle path and told her that I had a girl friend but she dumped me. Suddenly I realized my folly for not thinking ahead and what if she asked why? Thankfully, she didn’t go that far and diverted the topic. Suddenly the alum blew a horn again and this time I was told to change the circular row as well. Now there was the same girl I met earlier standing over there and I didn’t had enough energy left in me to go through the same session again? I was fully prepared to answer this time why should I tell you if she asked me which industry/function I am targeting. A friend called me in between and I took a big sigh of relief. I left that Speed Networking thing right away and went to a place I love the most “CCD”.

Some how after running across the campus at least a dozen times every day, orientation-week ended. If I remember correctly, I was still in my senses even after a physically and mentally tiring O-week. Let’s fast forward and move ahead two weeks to check my low mental state.

May 2011

I was running heavily to reach the afternoon class on time. I woke up late at 1:00 PM and it meant no breakfast or lunch or brunch or whatever we call it. I suddenly remember there is a Quiz today worth of 5% marks and I have not even prepared anything. I tried to curse myself for not studying but the pain in head due to sleep deprivation reminded me that I have submitted a marketing case study in the morning at 7:00 AM after the night out. Anyhow I cursed ISB, in the end, for putting my ass consistently on fire from last 2 weeks and ran towards the class.

After the class, my study group reminded me that we have 2 more assignments and one presentation due tomorrow. I shook my head few times, cursed ISB once again and went to the LRC (library) to prepare assignments. I suddenly remembered that all pre-reads have shifted to post-reads and exams are due this weekend. I was panicking “How are we supposed to do all this stuff?” Finally, I concluded that ISB is not meant for average students like me.

I logged into internal portal to check my quiz marks. They were way below mean. Now these statistical terms of above mean and below mean are of great significance in the life of an average ISBian. Till now I have been dealing with percentages in my life and anything above 60% is considered very good. Here even if you score 80% marks, you are not sure how you performed until you know mean. This has forced people to come up with complicated and sadistic prayers

“Oh God, please make this paper really tough and let me know all the answers.” Now if god listened only first half of prayer, then we all are screwed. And even if god somehow listened full prayer, there is high probability that he will not be able to comprehend the complexity associated with it. And, how in a world god will force prof set such an exam that is difficult and the praying guy knew answers as well. Anyhow lets not fall into the complexities of such prayers. Let’s concentrate only on statistics of above mean and below mean. For few conventional intelligent and topper materials, above mean is the average thing. But for average students like me, above mean means slogging your ass off 24*7 and being extremely lucky consistently in all the exams. Anyhow there is big fuzz in ISB that grades don’t matter. So, I think I can save my reputation by giving some spiritual gyan that I don’t fit in this rat race of grades, I don’t care for them and other kind of crap using the same grades don’t matter bull shit.

A new devil called Class Participation has cropped his head in ISB and it had caused several causalities in the campus. It is a game where you have to raise hand when you have some qualitative point to contribute in the overall learning of class and you will be marked for it. But in the class of overly qualified and enthusiastic 70 individuals, it is highly unlikely that everybody will get a chance to speak in the class. Above all, TA’s after a point of time stop even monitoring the quality of participation. So, new rules of the game are you have to raise hand… some how get selected among 70 raised hands… and finally speak something to get marked for the day. Just like cricket this game also has different phases. In the initial 1-hour (opening overs) people raise hand and answer when they have any point to make.  In the next 30 minutes (middle overs) hand movement get faster and people start feeling anxiety. In the last 30 minutes (Slog Overs) all hands are permanently up and every body is standing in the middle of the pitch with complete bat lift to hit the ball right out of the stadium as soon as they get any chance and then look at the TA with an innocent question- “did it count?”

I was thinking how I became the victim of this devil when a sharp voice woke me up

“Are you not going to next class? Let’s go have a tea”  a friend asked me.

I looked towards him but before I could say anything, he grinned

“what’s the margin!!!”

----- to be continued-----

The Presidential Elections

Time pick the President of the Student Body.


<from my article for Alma Matters>


Who should stand?
Everybody had an opinion. “Dude, you should run for this, you’re the kind of person who can do this stuff”, “You should stand for president, we need more women leaders” and so on. But only 11 brave souls stepped up to the plate. And another assault began.
Considering it was the first election on campus, people weren’t sure what to expect. While some presidential manifestos were spoke about missile cruise ships others spoke about night-canteens at each SV. While some had venn diagrams, others had self-portraits. And while some said they will decide on who to vote for, others said they will decide who to campaign for.

Vote for Congress Me

We had all heard stories about Presidiential campaigns from previous years; none of us were prepared for what hit us next. Nothing! All the hype the last batch sold to us seemed to have made everyone conscious of “over campaigning” and the candidates stayed rather sober for a while. I say again, a while.I believe they were doing their analysis of the batch.

Assumption: The class of 2012 is approximately Normal

Implication: I can create a 95% confidence interval to understand that no one has a clue as t who they will vote for. Damn, this stats stuff isn’t working.

Cause of failure of model: Do we look normal to you?

Next, lets attempt Economics: If I am able to maximize the students utility, they will vote for me. How do I maximize it? Lets offer them cycles on campus, 100% placements, night-canteens, better food and Cindy Crawford. Sorry but the students are smarter than that.

Next, good old marketing: Segmentation is the first key. Did you know the ISB students can be broken in the following vote banks – IIT, anit-IIT, women, CAs, senior citizens club, those young kids, smokers…. You get the idea. 

Lather it up

Presidential Soap Box: Why is called the soap box? Answer

What is the purpose: Any one can write a manifesto sitting in the comfort of his or her own quad. I personally recommend usage of the “Web economy Bullshit Generator” (after you remodel it to use B-school buzz words like networking). It takes real courage to stand on stage and justify it. It takes even more courage to stand in front of Shiv and alumni who have made it their life’s mission to hurt you in the quick fire round. 

The soap box was looooong, but it really did separate the boys form the men… no offense to the lady candidate, but separating the girls form the women just doesn’t work as an idiom. 

Now that the foam has subsided

I am not sure, but I guess this was a major reality check for all the candidates. One dropped out for personal reasons, while the others decided to compensate for the lack of campaigning before the soapbox. At one point, I was walking to the atrium and forgot which candidate said he would be there. When I reached, I realized, most of them are there anyway! 

Enough pull, time to push. The candidates start meeting us after lectures. First mover advantage is a huge factor here. The first one to talk to me after I’ve attended a 2 hour session on how to account for intangible assets is the one who annoys me the least. I’ll atleast remember your name. The next person to hold me back form my coffee, I’m just getting cranky now. If a third person attempts it, the class will trample her/him. For what it’s worth, the first candidate (not from our section) who spoke to us after class was the one who won the election.

Round 1

Secret ballot was an interesting concept. Please note, I say “was”. Everyone knows how the election works, but some people miss it because they decided to have an extended lunch break. All in all, smooth process… except for the booth capturing.

The results come out and I hear section G was quite happy and celebrated in class because two candidates from their class got through into the final four. Why it is a big deal is beyond me, but I realize understanding human emotions isn’t my biggest strength. I do want to understand how they found out between class… was some one using their blackberry in class?? Wink wink, nudge nudge

More Khemka sessions

A panel discussion this time. Unfortunately, the soapbox was such an assault on the senses plus the fact that assignments were due, only 40 decided to show up for this. Not %age, 40 people (the number’s maybe slightly understated, but there is no way you would know for sure, you weren’t there :D)

At this point, the “I knew I should have stood” crowd started raising their voice again. The rest of the batch continued ignoring them.

Final Round: Fight

This is when campaigning got innovative. It was now all about talking to the student body about why it is important for them to vote and based on what parameters. All this, while getting some face time. The last voting, there were discussion in the voting line about who to vote for. This time, it was more silent. Not sure what it means, but it was interesting to note.

All done, and the result is………. I’m sure there is another article to cover this bit.